Preseason 2010 (Marvelous 3, "Little Head")

The Rolling Skull, Issue 49:  August 6, 2010

Wow, we are going into year 4.  Just like Lisa Marie and Michael, they said it wouldn't last.  The OFFL is going strong in 2010!  Rick Gates won last year and due to the stress of the competition, he chickened out this year...  This is no league for he weak at heart, even the women in this league carry brass balls in their purse!

Important items for 2010:

  -  Draft Date is set for Sunday, September 5th, Labor Day Weekend
  -  Hooter's Southside is the Tentative Location, Time to Be Announced
  -  We need to pick up 2 new members to make 14 teams or we play with 12.
  -  We have a new rule on "free agency" for 2010.
  -  Chuck Hoffman linked to Favre's Indecision
  -  We linked up all of  Bianca's recipes together from 2008 and 2009.

Yours Truly, 

E. A. Presley
RollingSkull, Editor and Chief.

Rumo, the only psychic chimp in existence has returned for his second year with the RollingSkull.  Kicked out of NASA for his continued drinking and womanizing.  Rumo continues to brings us a new perspective on sports trivia, particularly when the questions are being posed by dead celebrities.

Rumo starts begins with this preseason question from Tom Mankiewicz, the US screenwriter and director whose writing credits include the first two Superman films and the James Bond movies, Diamonds Are Forever and Live and Let Die.  The question is...

Who won the 1998 NFL MVP award?

A.  Barry Saunders
B.  Brett Favre
C.  Terrell Davis
D.  Marshall Faulk

The first correct answer will receive Lindsey Lohan's, "Meth and Detox Kit."  Guaranteed to get you high and get you to court 2 hours after your hearing.  Email your trivia answers to plpurvis@bellsouth.net  as he handles all of Rumo's fan mail.  Please note, Rumo is not to be confused with the choking monkey named Romo...  Who we again guarantee will  choke in the playoffs if the Cowboys  get there!

To All Respected Owners:

We lost one team and have another on the bubble.  If you have anyone interested in joining the OFFL, please let Commissioner Purvis know ASAP.  Blood Brothers are trying to find someone to draft for them on September 5th and the Well Hungarians are out along with House of Pain.  We did pick up Rick Nutt to replace the House of Pain.  First, here are the teams confirmed for 2010.

 2010 Draft Planning
     - Assume we do a 3pm draft on Sunday, September 5th.  We will confirm via email.
     - Location:  Hooters Southside Blvd.
     - $110.00 Fee  (Commissioner Purvis is handling the financials this year.)
     - Please review the Rules
     - Reach out to Karl and I if you have any questions and please send us an email as to your date and time preference.
     - Rule Change:  Free agent pickups will be allowed during the playoffs (teams out of the playoffs are not allowed to release 
       players.)  All regular season releases will be cautiously monitored due to the new rule.

The preseason schedule as follows:

                                 -P. L. Purvis
                                  OFFL, Commissioner

As mentioned earlier, Rick Gates will not be defending his title.  Maybe Karl will be nice enough to build him a trophy... If you can't defend your title, Mr. Purvis will not be taking the time to make one...  I guess the Well Hungarians were wearing prosthetics last season!  This would explain the lack of testicle fortitude and why he is now pushing tupperware...

I hear Rick Nutt will be entering the OFFL this season with Ms. Kelly's endorsement...  Okay, I will admit that I have made at least five different limericks that use both the words nut and kitty.  I better wait until Purvis gets their entry fees before putting any of them down in writing.  What does Rick rhyme with again?

Brett Favre is reportedly reconsidering his retirement.  Hoffman continues to work with Brett on a daily basis to help with his rehab and return to the field.  Chuck was quoted as saying, "Sometimes one has to swallow more than their pride in order to achieve the desired result.  I will go down the road less traveled and bend over backwards to get Brett on top again."

We may see a better showing from Uncage the Rage this year.  I understand that Dalton is actually letting his dad shave with a razor now, a sure sign of maturity.  Dalton  is not so sure if he would let Dale draft by himself though...  A defense in the first round is not always the best way to go.

OFFL REHAB received incredible ratings as the most watched show on A&E.  While no one has been cured of "free agent addiction," Torr and Kitty both quit smoking and Pete quit drinking.  I am really surprised how warm the summer was with hell freezing over... 

Varela and the Dirty Birds have reported to training camp after the major "beat down" he received last season with a 5 - 8 record in 2009.  As seen in his fund raising photo, Richard needs a haircut and showed up a little underweight but is optimistic about his team's future.  Richard has been quoted as saying that he will show up this year and redeem himself once the Austin City Policy release him from custody...

On a solemn note, Jeff and Karl's Key West Production of "Hair Spray" finished this summer with mixed reviews.  Kalish commented that Karl's refusal to lose the goatee hurt their credibility on stage not to mention he found it very ticklish.

NEWS BREAK: Joe did finally get his new SUV free from being stuck at the beach during the 4th of  July.  When Brugnolotti was asked how he could bury his new 4Runner under 3 feet of water he answered, "I was just distracted for a moment."  We asked to explain further and he responded, "no comment."

Tune in after the draft for the "OFFL, Draft Day Review."

Pedro will make his 2010 season predictions once all of the teams have drafted.  In the meantime, we bring the top ten things you may hear at the draft:

  1.  Do you think Chuck Hoffman would really go down on Brett Favre?
  2.  Here Kitty, Kitty...
  3.  The 10 Inch All-Stars will take Johnny Weir with their first pick.
  4.  No Dad!  Sponge Bob does not play football! -Dalton Hilken
  5.  Pete, I am sure she is half your age.
  6.  Joe really did get a brand new fully loaded 4Runner stuck under water in St. Augustine, I think his brother did it!   
  7.  Dumphy wants to know if Kevin Youkilis is still available.
  8.  I heard Austad was number 17 on Tiger's list.
  9.  Who has better "boy band" hair Varela or Kalish?
10.  It's 20 minutes after, where's Torr?

Paris and Lindsay, The Nuns

Bored by their wild partying lifestyle Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan have turned into nuns.

One day Paris Hilton & Lindsay Lohan were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke,but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."

Paris said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"

Lindsay Lohan was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them." The next day Lindsay Lohan went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.

"What can I do for you today?"

"I'd like some condoms, please," said Lindsay Lohan. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."

"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions,

but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice, "Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."

Lindsay Lohan thought for a minute, and finally said, "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."

Eva, "The Desperate Housewife"

Eva Longoria, was so desperate that she went to a local newspaper office and inquired about putting an advertisement in the 'Lonely Hearts' column.

"Well, madam," the assistant said, "we charge a minimum of $1 per insertion."

"You don't say," said Eva "Well then, here's $20 and to hell with the advertisement!"