OFFL: RollingSKull Issue 245

Three Week Seven Game Observations & Free Agency Addiction

Want to hear something scary? For what Hajji, Jimmy, and Pete have invested in free agency together, they could have bought a whole team entry into the OFFL. Combined, they have spent $240 in free agents. League leader, Chucky is all moist in his drawers now . Zack comes in at number four in the number of pickups at 12, but he has the wins to show for it, so I will cut him some slack here.

Catch These Hands and L's (3-4 with 17 FA's)
More transactions than a crypto scam, and still scoring like they’re allergic to touchdowns.33.100 points? That’s not a fantasy score, that’s a gas station receipt. Baker Mayfield threw 50 times and still couldn’t crack double digits. That’s not volume—it’s a cry for help. Jacory Croskey-Merritt: 13 carries for 33 yards? Bro ran like he was dodging potholes. Stefon Diggs: 7 catches, 69 yards, and somehow only 3.45 points. That’s the fantasy equivalent of a mirage. Darren Waller: 0.000 points. Did he play? Or just ghost the league like your playoff hopes? Broncos D: Gave up 32 points and still got you 2. That’s like showing up late to a mugging and asking for change. And let’s talk about the bench: Matthew Stafford: 5 TDs just chillin’ on the pine like he’s waiting for a call from HR. RJ Harvey: Scored a TD and still got outscored by your kicker. Mixon, Godwin, Johnson: All posted goose eggs. That’s not depth—it’s a shallow grave.

New York Gangsters (3-4 with 17 FA's)
The Gangsters might’ve pulled off a win, but let’s be honest—this was less “organized crime” and more “petty theft. Unlike the Catch The Hand’s credit card, Jimmy just got caught trying to Venmo his way into the playoffs. They won last week, but it felt like watching a getaway car stall in traffic. Tua Tagovailoa: 3 INTs and barely 100 yards. That’s not a quarterback—that’s a liability with a helmet. Nick Chubb: 5 carries for 16 yards and a reception for negative yardage. Bro got tackled into last week. Jahmyr Gibbs: The only one who showed up. He ran like he was escaping this roster. Kayshon Boutte: 2 catches, 1 TD, and still somehow feels like a typo. Courtland Sutton: 6 catches, 87 yards, and a 2-point conversion. Solid, but not enough to bail out the rest of this fantasy crime syndicate. Jake Ferguson: 2 TDs on 29 yards. That’s like robbing a bank and only taking the pens. Boswell & Rams D: Respectable, but they’re basically the getaway driver and the lookout—doing all the work while the rest of the crew fumbles the bag. And the bench? Josh Allen: On bye, but still the most intimidating part of this roster. A.J. Brown: 14 points just chilling while Tua played hot potato with the defense. Deebo, Watson, Jones: All posted zeros. That’s not depth—it’s a fantasy graveyard. Theo Johnson: 7.3 points from a tight end you drafted off vibes alone. This team’s vibe is “Netflix gangster docuseries”—flashy name, dramatic intro, and absolutely no follow-through. They’re 3-4 and acting like they just pulled off a heist, but the only thing they stole was a win from a team that forgot to set their lineup- GOOD GOIN Mean Machine- AKA Jake Browning!

Midnight Riders (3-4 with 13 FA's)
The Riders rolled into Week 7 like they were starring in a low-budget reboot of Fast & Delirious. They’re 3-4, transaction-happy, and somehow still managed to score fewer points than a kicker with a broken toe. This team’s strategy is like a midnight snack run: impulsive, poorly planned, and full of regret by morning. They’ve got more free agent moves than a fantasy day trader and still can’t break 40. Rename them the Midnight Misfires—because every lineup decision feels like it was made under duress. More free agent pickups than a clearance rack at TJ Maxx, and still fielding a lineup that looks like it was drafted during a blackout. Daniel Jones: 15.55 points and the only one who showed up. He’s basically the Uber driver for this team—got them to the stadium, but nobody else got out. Jordan Mason: Scored a TD and still barely cracked 6.8. That’s not a breakout—it’s a polite cough. Kimani Vidal: 1.75 points. That’s what happens when you draft based on vibes and a cool name. Elic Ayomanor: 2 catches, 29 yards, and 1.45 points. He’s the fantasy equivalent of a decorative throw pillow. Justin Jefferson: 5 catches, 79 yards, and still under 4 points. That’s like buying a Ferrari and using it to deliver pizza. Jake Elliott: Missed a field goal and still outscored half the roster. Chiefs D: Shut out the Raiders and gave up 0 points… and still only scored 2. That’s fantasy math at its cruelest. And the bench? Bo Nix: 25.375 points. He was cooking while the starters were microwaving sadness. Pollard, Walker, Franklin: All outscored the WR starters, but apparently the Midnight Riders prefer their points in theory. McLaurin, Slayton, Bond: All posted zeros. That’s not depth—it’s a fantasy ghost town.

-- BomB OuT