OFFL:  RollingSKull Issue 223
THE ROLLINGSKULL, VOLUME 17, ISSUE 223
December 8, 2023 - Music by Dolly Parton. "Heartbreaker" -feat. Pat Benatar & Neil Giraldo
        
The First Round of the Playoffs Are Here!

     -  No Where in the Rules Does It Say Techno Metal Should Be Used by the OFFL, Zack!!
     -  Everyone is Playing the Quiet Game
     -  Anyone Interested in College Bowl Pick Em, Hurry!
     -  At Least No One Was Smoking Pot and Played Thursday!
     -  How Did  a Dolly Parton Issue Go So Wrong?
     -  Week 13 Was a Heartbreaker!
    
As always, we appreciate your patronage.  We apologize for the run on sentences in advance!
 
E. A. Presley
Editor and Chief of the RollingSkull




 

We heard that the Juice needed some work to cover his green fees since becoming a free man in 2021.  Given the OFFL's long history of supporting retired athletes, we are here to help with trivia provided by O.J. Simpson.  This week's question is ""True Or False: Nick Saban didn’t have a winning season during his time in the NFL.

This is false as Saban coached the Miami Dolphins to a 9 and 7 record in 2005, which was good enough for 2nd in the AFC East. The year prior, Saban and the Dolphins finished with a 6 and 10 record. 

While his depature from Miami to Alabama in the middle of the night was shameful, Urban Myer would soon upstage him as the douchiest college coach to ever give the NFL a try...  On to the last question of the season!

"Who was selected first overall in the 2000 Draft?"
a.  Brian Urlacher
b.  Courtney Brown
c.  Jamal Lewis
d.  Lavar Arrington

This week's winners will receive passes to Mr. Stoffer's Summer TechnoMetal Tour.  As Zack lobbies the league for more TechnoMetal, this will be your only opportunity to enjoy the sultry sounds of his music deviance. He thinks a potential OFFL Championship will improve his chances!  Unless the Commissioner's office has the unfortunate mishap of becoming tone deaf, that shit aint happening... (Editors note, someone steal me a better pick of Zack)
 

 

 

 

This week's checklist:

1.  Please note, there are no weekly high score payouts during the playoffs.  Bonuses are awarded as you meet each round, see rules. 
     Since the programming for the weekly high score bonus is on auto, the League Office will correct accoringly during playoffs. So...
     If you see it pop up, ignore it.

2. If you are out the playoffs, please settle up with the League Office.  Your balance is under the acccounting tab.  As always, please
    double check your team's ledger and make sure you are in agreement before sending in payment (Paypa, Venmo, Zelle). 
    Email Pete with any questions.

3. See Pete and Zack about Playing College Bowl Pick Em'.
 
4.  Available Apps for MyFantasyLeague (MFL)
       a.  OFFL Game Day for PC, GAMEDAY APP. Use League ID 13439.
       b.  MFL Premium for iPhone.  League ID 13439
       c.  MFL Platinum for Android.  League ID 13439
            Side note:  The home page scoreboard at tmes is faster if you like to refresh and drill down on each game individually.
  
5.  Assistant Commissioner Jeff Kalish is Pete's backup in the event of a league emergency (i.e. go on the record, late moves, glitches, etc). 
     If you need to time stamp with an email for debate later--  Jeff's email is jeff.kalish@xsitedigital.com and Pete's is plpurvis@bellsouth.net.

6.  This week's NFL Schedule (two games on Monday):span>
MATCHUP
TIME
TV
LOCATION
Thursday, December 7, 2023
New England
  @  Pittsburgh
 8:15PM PRIME Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA
Sunday, December 10, 2023
Tampa Bay
  @  Atlanta
 1:00 PM
CBS
Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, GA
Detroit
  @  Chicago
 1:00 PM
FOX
Soldier Field, Chicago, IL
Indianapolis
  @  Cincinnati
 1:00 PM
CBS
Paycor Stadium, Cincinnati, OH
Jacksonville
  @  Cleveland
 1:00 PM
CBS
Cleveland Browns Stadium, Cleveland, OH
Carolina
  @  New Orleans
 1:00 PM
FOX
Caesars Superdome, New Orleans, LA
Houston
  @  New York
 1:00 PM
CBS
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
Los Angeles
  @  Baltimore
 1:00 PM
FOX
M&T Bank Stadium, Baltimore, MD
Minnesota
  @  Las Vegas
 4:05 PM
FOX
Allegiant Stadium, Las Vegas, NV
Seattle
  @  San Francisco
 4:05 PM
FOX
Levi's Stadium, Santa Clara, CA
Buffalo
  @  Kansas City
 4:25 PM
CBS
GEHA Field at Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, MO
Denver
  @  Los Angeles
 4:25 PM
CBS
SoFi Stadium, Inglewood, CA
Philadelphia
  @  Dallas
 8:20 PM
NBC
AT&T Stadium, Arlington, TX
Monday, December 11, 2023
Tennessee
  @  Miami
 8:15 PM
ESPN
Hard Rock Stadium, Miami Gardens, FL
Green Bay
  @  New York
 8:15 PM
ABC/ESPN+
MetLife Stadium, East Rutherford, NJ
BYE:  Arizona, Washington

 
 

  
The Bomb is on vacation this week, filling is our own Dolly Parton who will be the halftime show at this year's OFFL Championship.  Kalish and Stoffers have the week off in round one.  Here we go with Wildcard Weekend!

DOLLY's PREVIEW OF ROUND ONE

Blitzburgh vs. Rodger's Witch
I am not sure why Rodger's Witch is a touchdown short with Vegas.  I don't see it that way. While Lamar can't throw an accurate ball to the outside lanes, he still put up 9pts against the Chargers last week.  This is while Herbert aka Today's Dan Mario-- only placed half of that against an inconsistent New England. 3pt advantage Witch. 

Both franchises have great receiving, call it even here.  The pass catcher flex shows some vulnerablity for both.  Blitz will more than likely roll out Dalton Kincaid while Jake rolls with Drake London... Please note these are my assumptions, not suggestions nor deterent in any form.  That said, London is boom or bust. An insider told me that the Atlanta head coach is a total dick.  Fitz has Tyreek on a mission, 3pts Blitzburgh.
Oh, the RB situation for both is on solid footing, Ford for Jake and Mixon for Fitz... Both RB's are 70% of the offense they play for with backup QB's.  We have an even slate here.  Both kickers (Grupe or Sanders for Blitz / Younghoe for Witch) could go off.  Another coin toss = even, and if only one kicker goes off?  The  League Office will half to listen to somebody's bitch in the off-season.

I think the defenses are going to decide this and CAR has to go to NOLA... Blitz 4pt advantage.  Going with Vegas, Blitzburgh by 4pts.

ScrubBowl, Midnight Riders vs. Mr. Hoffnuts
Contrary to the tabloids, I am not hooking up with Commissioner Purvis. That said, Tua is about as sexy as Pete is this week.  Tua vs. Love?  Riders have a 4pt advantage here.  Chuck will counter at RB as the Riders are dealing with recent returns from the IR.  Moss & Gibbs have carried Soldier Chucky thus far and will again with great matchups at CIN and CHI this weekend. Hoff gets 5pts here.

K's are pretty close.  Hoffnuts has a 2pt higher fp advanatage with McPhereson. LAC's headcoach Brandon Staley will go for it on 4th down all day long. This places Dicker at Risk for the Riders.

WR and PassCatcher Flex...  They are a pure, unadulterated, total shit storm that the best enema nor laxative could never match (damn Dolly, honestly).  Chuck has a succubus fn' with Kelce while Purvis spent the season wrapped in duct tape at receiver and now he has to depend on a Ridley (with a broke QB from Cartersville, GA).  I give the Rider's a point here because I do think Jefferson's extra week to heal from week five is a plus.  I hope it is worth the wait.  Puka vs Hopkins, point goes to Riders.  This could leave us with Kelce vs Ridley, not a good look for old Midnight.  BUT!  Taylor Swift is off her tour and has acquaintances in BUF.. If she shows up,  we have another 2pts for Purvis..

Again, I hate to see this, I think the defensive play will be key here. Chuck has SF on SEA... With SEA having much to prove after being held to 220 total yards of offense during the last meeting with SF-- The Seahawks could be on a mission if Walker and Charbonet return. I still like this matchup and we will give Hoffnuts 2pts here.  BUT.  The Riders are the Kings of Streaming, HOU is hosting NYJ-- give Pete back his two and add 2pts.

Using W's math, the Midnight Riders scrape by with a 2pt advantage.

--DoLLy Out!

  
 

 
Pedro is on fire, 7 for 7 in the final week of the regular season.  Pedro is now 54 for 91, batting 593  for the season.  Dolly continues to tag along as our spokesmodel this week for the first round of the OFFL Playoffs.
 

SPOKESMODEL

                  MATCHUP PREDICTION


 vs    51 to 59:  Rodger's Witch
  vs    57 to 58:  Midnight Riders
  vs    One Seed, First Round Bye 
   vs  Cunning Linguists Two Seed, Second Round Bye 
      

 
 

 
Zack's Fun Facts From Last Week

 Seahawks-Cowboys game had 0 punts, the 5th time this happened since 1960.

Mike Evans has reached 1,000 receiving yards for the 10th consecutive season and is one season behind tying Jerry Rice’s record of 11 consecutive seasons.

Matt LaFleur is now 16-0 as Packers’ head coach in December.   

Christian McCaffrey is the first 49ers RB to top 1,000 yards since Frank Gore in 2014 which was the longest active streak in the NFL. 

NFL teams are 52-3 this season when holding opponents to 10 or fewer points; Patriots are 0-3 and the first team since 1938 to do so. 

Miami 45, Washington 15 – scorigami; there have now been 1082 unique final scores in NFL history. 

49ers didn’t attempt a pass longer than 15 yards downfield and average 11.6 yards per attempt and 16.5 yards per completion.

Jaguars control their own destiny to be the #1 seed; if they win out, they are the #1 seed.

Brock Purdy has (technically) played a full season of games: 17 stars, 69.7% completion rate, 4,283 yards, 34-8 TD-INT, 116.8 passer rating, 14-3 record.

Panthers are the first team mathematically eliminated from playoff contention. 

Jets defense has more safeties in the 1st quarter this season than the Jets offense has TDs in the 1st quarter.   

First time Patrick Mahomes has lost 2 regular season games to teams with losing records.

Jimmy Graham has more TDs than Kyle Pitts: the year is 2023.

Packers have 6 players that scored a TD for them that were born after the year 2000: most in the NFL.

Saints’ HC Dennis Allen’s 5-7 record is the best he’s ever had after Week 13.

TDs this season: Raheem Mostert (16), Patriots (16), Jets (13).

Tyreek Hill has more 60+ receiving TDs than every other team this season and has the 3rd-most in NFL history; he is tied with Don Maynard for 2nd all-time with 8 games of 150+ receiving yards and 2 TDs (Jerry Rice has 17).

Dolphins clinched their 4th consecutive winning season, longest streak since 7 straight from 1997-2003.

Sam Howell has thrown a pick-6 in 3 straight games and leads the league with 4 on the season.

Derrick Henry is tied for 15th in career rushing TDs tied with Priest Holmes (86).

DeAndre Hopkins is the 29th player in NFL history with 12,000+ receiving yards


ProBowl, Orlando, February 4th
Voting begins for this season's event, click here.


Rock Concerts Set for 2024 & One Commissioners Opinion

Many of rock’s biggest artists will hit the road for performances once more in 2024.While acts such as Kiss and Elton John have or will end their touring careers in 2023, several more rock legends will continue their farewell treks in 2024. Among them, the Eagles, whose Long Goodbye tour is certainly living up to its name. Then there’s Foreigner, whose continuing farewell tour will include two Las Vegas residencies in 2024. Speaking of Vegas, Sin City will once again be a mecca of rock talent in the New Year. Styx, Carlos Santana and Chicago are among the other acts who have already announced 2024 Las Vegas residencies. U2 will also continue their groundbreaking stay at the Sphere, and there are already rumors about which big name bands could follow them.

Look for several famous faces joining forces in 2024. Billy Joel and Sting have announced some shows together, Green Day and Smashing Pumpkins are ticketed for a nationwide trek and Journey and Toto will pair up once more after a successful run of dates together in 2023.Some of the biggest tours on the schedule weren’t even meant to take place in 2024. Aerosmith’s farewell tour, Bruce Springsteen’s trek with the E Street Band and Skid Row’s co-headlining tour with Buckcherry were all on the books for 2023, but ailments to various members in each group led to postponements into the New Year.See details on these treks, as well as tours from Foo Fighters, Stevie Nicks, Metallica and more.  Below is a quick list and you can gather more direction from Classic Rock & Culture,  HERE.   Due to the nature of this publication, the OFFL Commission will have his input and will arrange their listing in the order of potential...

The Obvious
The Eagles (Long Goodbye Tour finishes up. Joe Walsh/James Gang very underappreciated, go see).
Sammy Hagar, Micheal Anthony, Joe Satriani, and Jason Bonham Van Halen Best of All Worlds (A longshot-Could see Alex and Dave show up for a few).
Foreigner Farewell  (I shy away from concerts without the original singer, Kelly Hansen like Hagar are the rare exception.  Awesome vocals).

You Have My Attention
Def Leppard, Heart, Steve Miller Band, Journey, and Cheap Trick (Just too old for a full day.  Tickets for Truist Park-ATL already went on sale).
Joe Satriani, Eric Johnson and Steve Vai (Whats left from a great era of guitar, you kids heard them on Guitar Hero).
Stevie Nicks
Green Day, Smashing Pumpkins and Rancid
Alanis Morisette and Joan Jett
Foo Fighters
Mammoth WVH and Pantera
U2 (I should have them higher, just not a tree hugger.  Drill baby drill).
Metallica
Aerosmith
Carlos Santana
Kansas 

The Juice is Not Worth the Squeeze
Billy Joel and Sting (Yawn).
Pantera and Lamb of God (No Dimebag Darrell or Vinnie Paul, no thanks).
Chicago (been on the fence, because of the line up changes and will probably skip again)
Peter Hook (aka Joy Division/New Order- I wasn't into them, but I give him props)
Elvis Costello (I may know one song and he played Buddy Holly in La Bamba).
Styx  (No Dennis DeYoung and I pray my wife doesn't make me seen them a 4th time)
Journey and Toto  (I dig the guitarist, but give me the original vocalists)
Bruce Springsteen (Overrated:  Bruce and the late Jimmy Buffet started this overpriced concert BS way before TicketMaster were dicks).
Skid Row & Buck Cherry (Bring back Sebastian Bach and I am there).
Judas Priest  (I need KK and Glen to make up and play again, not gonna happen though).
Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ Top (Skip it...  A sin to say coming from Orange Park, FL and going to school with the families of  Skynryd).

Just Get Past Being on Cruise Ship, Is That Possible?
Rock Legends Cruise XI The 11th edition of the Rock Legends Cruise will depart from Miami on Feb. 22. Sammy Hagar, ZZ Top’s Billy Gibbons, Poison frontman Bret Michaels, Rick Springfield and Jefferson Starship are among the acts who’ll perform aboard Royal Caribbean’s Independence of the Seas during the four night excursion.


TAILGATING WITH Ms. Dolly  

Dolly’s Hickory-Grilled Ham (for smoker, grill, and oven)

Dolly's Dad always reserved the best pork shoulder from the slaughterhouse for our holidays, one of her fond memories of home.  This recipe is for smoking a presmoked ham which is perfectly fine and tastes great.  If you are thinking about taking it to another level--- Staring with a green ham is going to take a few more hours off your life, just a heads up.

Ingredients
1 6-lb. smoked ham, fully cooked with bone in (not a harder to find green ham)  >1 Tbsp. whole cloves
½ c. Dijon mustard          
1 large fresh pineapple
½ c. brown sugar, firmly packed  
4-5 tennis ball-sized hickory wood chunks

Preparation: Soak the hickory chunks in water for 1 to 24 hours before using.  (Commissioner Pete's Thought, "I am on the fence when it comes to soaking the wood chucks.  If you look at your chimney while cooking/smoking and the smoke is solid and not a transparent light blue- you are in danger of getting a creosote taste (this will give the pork a chalky tingle on your tongue).  That is too much smoke  The idea behind soaking is to generate more smoke, hey I have done it--  I just feel sometimes your are better off burning down more chunks as charcoal vs soaking).

2. Cut the ham bone loose from the meat but do not remove it. Combine the mustard, brown sugar, and a half-cup of water in a small bowl and stir until smooth. Brush the mixture all over the ham.

3. Prepare a charcoal grill to low heat (250°F to 300°F) with the rack 8 inches above the coals. Drain the hickory chunks and place them on the coals around the edges of the grill.

4. Place the ham on the rack, close the cover, and grill for 45 minutes to 1 hour, turning and brushing often with the mustard mixture.

5. Transfer the ham from the grill to a cutting board. Score the ham in a pattern of 1-inch diamonds, slicing about a quarter-inch to a half-inch into the meat. Insert a clove into the middle of each diamond.

6. Return the ham to the grill and cook until the center of the meat registers 140°F on an instant-read meat thermometer, about 30 minutes. Transfer the ham to a cutting board.

7. Meanwhile, cut the pineapple into 12 wedges: slice vertically though the leaves, keeping the leaves intact. Grill on a lightly-oiled rack, cut side down, until charred, about 2 minutes.

8. Remove the bone from the ham and slice. Serve with the grilled pineapple.

Oven Baking (if you don’t have access to a grill):

1. Use a fully-cooked spiral ham. Pre-heat oven at 375°. Put the ham in and reduce temperature to 325° and bake for 10 minutes before brushing on the glaze.

2. Bake for 45 minutes to 1 hour (about 7–10 minutes per pound). Put pineapple wedges around the ham in the baking dish during the last 5-10 minutes.

Serves 10 to 23.Nutritional Information:  Calories: 340; Fat: 7g; Cholesterol: 145mg; Sodium: 3410mg; Total Carbohydrates: 32g; Dietary Fiber: 1g; Sugars: 22g; Protein: 39g.

    Flying Gators      Midnight Riders        Cunning Linguists