The Rolling Skull, Issue 21:  September 26, 2008

Uncage the Rage is 3 and 0 and the stock market / financials are in the tank!  Has Armageddon fallen upon us?  Not quite, but what a damn sorry week...  Quit watching the news and tune into your favorite past time, "Outlaw Fantasy Football."  

On the suicide watch we have Flying Gators and the Midnight Riders!  Vegas is now taking wagers on who will get their first win... Did Mad Dog's revenge revert back to last year this past week?  25 points total!  We review this and more:

     - OFFL Owner Profile, Torr Gilyard, Blunt Force
     - The Bomb 
     - Pedro the Greek, Week III

Outlaw quote of the week comes from Arnold Schwarzenegger,  "Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer."  We appreciate your patronage and please send your comments and concerns to my attention.  

Sincerely,
E. A. Presley
RollingSkull, Editor and Chief.
                        


M.V.'s TRIVIA

We have a three way tie at one point each (Dumphy, Hoffman, and Myers)  Last week's question was "Who was the first player to have 30 sacks and 30 interceptions?"   The answer was Rodney Harrison of the Patriots.  Harrison in 1997, became first player in NFL history to score touchdowns on an interception return, fumble return and kickoff return in same season.  He has the most sacks (30.5) of any defensive back in NFL history.  Rodney had 4 interceptions in 3 games in the 2004 and 2005 playoffs.  His resume includes 7 playoff interceptions (including one returned for a touchdown) which is a Patriots team record.  

He is one of nine players in the history of the NFL to record at least  20 interceptions and 20 sacks in his career. The other members of this small club are linebackers Jack Ham, Seth Joyner, Wilber Marshall, William Thomas, Donnie Edwards and Ray Lewis and safety LeRoy Butler and cornerback Ronde Barber.  On October 21, 2007, Harrison was the first and currently sole player to enter the 30/30 Club (30 interceptions and 30 sacks)

He is also known for the NFL's all-time leader in personal foul penalties and been voted dirtiest player in the NFL twice by his peers.

This week's question,  "For what team was John Gruden offensive coordinator?

a.  Eagles
b.  Bucs
c.  Raiders
d.  Packers

This week's winner will receive a 12 month supply of Speed Stick's new antiperspirant, "Flying Gator Scent."  Speed Stick says, "If we can cover up the stench of Joe Brugnolotti's team, we have you covered!"  Email your trivia answers to plpurvis@bellsouth.net  as he handles all of Mr. Vick's fan mail.  

OFFL HOUSEKEEPING 
     - Keep up with your scores, particularly with punt blocks for touchdowns.
     - Three boys need to settle up with Commissioner Purvis, please contact me!
     - Please review the Rules
     - Reach out to Karl if you have any problems with the website.  HE HAS ACCESS TO EMAIL AND HE SET 
        UP OUR LINKAGE TO THE MYFANTASYLEAGUE SITE HIMSELF. Just copy me in.

Week 4
Sun, Sep 28	Time (ET)	Tickets	Network	DIRECTV
ATL @ CAR	1:00 PM	Tickets	FOX	707
CLE @ CIN	1:00 PM	Tickets	CBS	704
HOU @ JAC	1:00 PM	Tickets	CBS	705
DEN @ KC	1:00 PM	Tickets	CBS	706
SF @ NO	1:00 PM	Tickets	FOX	709
ARI @ NYJ	1:00 PM	Tickets	FOX	708
GB @ TB	1:00 PM	Tickets	FOX	710
MIN @ TEN	1:00 PM	Tickets	FOX	711
SD @ OAK	4:05 PM	Tickets	CBS	712
BUF @ STL	4:05 PM	Tickets	CBS	713
WAS @ DAL	4:15 PM	Tickets	FOX	714
PHI @ CHI	8:15 PM	Tickets	NBC
Mon, Sep 29	Time (ET)	Tickets	Network	DIRECTV
BAL @ PIT	8:30 PM	Tickets	ESPN	206

Byes: Lions, Colts, Dolphins, Patriots, Giants, Seahawks

Thanks,

-P. L. Purvis
OFFL, Commissioner



OWNER PROFILE
Torr Gilyard, Blunt Force

Torr Gilyard makes his triumphant return to Fantasy Football after an 8 year absence.  Okay, maybe not "triumphant."  More like okay...  How about average?  Nah, to be honest it has been lack luster.

Torr has never been one for commitment, so maybe it is time to begin the Aaron Rogers' era and sit Peyton...

Let the Bomb take care of the trash talk.  We are here to define the man!

Torr, llike many of us is a JFL alumni, the "Jacksonville Fantasy League."  He was owner of Last Minute and the Ugly Ducklings.  As GM of the Ugly Ducklings, Torr drafted and befriended a running back by the name of Ricky Williams.  After years of womanizing and partying Ricky influenced Torr to embrace Buddhism. After the Duck's inaugural season, Torr left football and moved to Nepal.  Torr gave up a the JFL, it was at a heavy cost.  He was forced to pay Ricky's $5M signing bonus.  After 5 years of litigation, the JFL settled for $3M in reimbursement.  Ricky had apparently spent $2M on Torr's 26th birthday by hiring 2-Live Crew.  The party was called "Buddha Palooza."  As part of the settlement, Gilyard was banned from the JFL.

In an interview with Katie Couric, Torr admitted he was trying to find himself.  The last three years he spent his time as a trial lawyer, stock broker and filling in for Long Dong Silver, adult film star.  After Vivid drop him as an actor, it was time to return to football.  As fate would have it, Pete Purvis and Karl Koehler reached out to Torr about a year ago to grant him a return to football.  He would be the latest addition to the Outlaw Fantasy Football League, "Blunt Force."  

Torr's team was defined literally in his new contract given his past in the JFL. Blunt meaning, "Abrupt and distinct."  Force meaning, "physical power or strength."  After his $4.5M signing, Blunt Force is under investigation due to a recent picture that was presented to Commissioner Purvis.  The picture begs in to question what is the true meaning of "Blunt Force?"  Blunt Force could be up for review as demonstrated by a picture anonymously submitted.  The picture as shown is from Torr's developmental years and may explain his f'd up draft!  Antonio Bryant and Deuce McCallister need more explanation.  Stay tuned...

TRASH TALK WITH THE BOMB

This week's list of bitches...

Blunt Force / Flying Gators:  It was reported on Entertainment Tonight this week that Clay Aiken has come out of the closet.  He has been seen at the practices of both Blunt Force and the Flying Gators.  When asked for comment he replied, "I like it on the bottom." On a separate story, the Flying Gators did buy the rights to their new slogan, "Bye Week."

UnCage the Rage:  Your roster is looking thin!  Michael Vick and Jerry Rice are still available!  Got Bench?

Midnight Riders:  The Associated Press has reported that Rider Stadium has sold the rights to Viagra. Pfizer was contacted for comment, "The Midnight Riders weren't quite able to peak on a weekly basis, we are here to help."

Wild Hogs:  Your bench looks more like AIG has been in control.  The only exception is that there is no one here to bail you out!

Flying Wedge:  I was reprimanded by the league last week for the "cracked up spider monkey comment." That said, even a cadaver could have picked a roster against the Flying Gators in week 3.  In order to make week 4 competitive, we request that the cracked up spider monkey set your roster against the Cunning Linguists this week!

Mad Dog's Revenge:  25 points last week?  What's wrong?  It was not enough that Matt Macleod drafted for you.  Now he has to set your weekly roster too?

BOMB OUT!

Pedro the Greek's, "On the INSIDE"

Wow, I am still trying to read the temperature of this league.  In my 11 years, never have I seen such scoring!  I went another week 3 for 7.  For the season, I hold  9 for 21 (429.)  This is well below my 64% accuracy...

Here are my week 4  predictions brought to you by Courtney Cummz!  "Courtney Cummz in your town soon!!" 

 

OFFL Spokesmodel	Match Up	Prediction
	vs	54 to 31:  Purple Haze**
	vs	44 to 56:  10" All-Stars
	vs	49 to 53:  Westsiders
	vs	56 to 58:  Mean Machine
	vs	57 to 46:  Midnight Riders
	vs	57 to 51:  Wild Hogs
	vs.	50 to 58:  Cunning Linguists

** Denotes the "Estradiol Game of the Week."

JUNK DRAWER

Grilling for the Sunday Grid Iron with Mistress Bianca

" Kansas City–Style Spareribs  "
Those who avoid the swine, I have a beef rib alternative for you below.

You will suck on these ribs like the Kansas City defense sucks on Sunday!

For the ribs:

For the sauce (yea I stole this sauce from Weber):

In a small bowl combine salt, paprika, cumin, oregano, onion powder, garlic powder, pepper, allspice, and cinnamon. Rub seasoning mix onto ribs, pressing into surface. Place ribs in jumbo resealable plastic bag. Close bag and marinate in refrigerator 2 hours.  "I have even marinated overnight with this for fuller flavor."

Get the grill going, don't forget your wood chips (pecan, apple, or oak.)  Stay away from mesquite unless you absolutely love it... Take 2 handfuls of you wood chips and wrap with tin foil.  Take a fork or knife and poke numerous holes in the top.  This allows the smoke out.  Throw the wood chips on the coals/burner the same time as the meat.  (Nothing beats a charcoal grill although I do own a gas grill.)  Given the time to cook, you may need to add another pocket of chips later on...

Place ribs in center of cooking grate. Grill 1 to 1-1/2 hours or until tender.

Meanwhile, make the sauce: In a skillet cook celery and onion in butter until tender. Add remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil; reduce heat. Cover and simmer 15 minutes.

Brush ribs with the sauce during last 20 minutes of grilling time. Cut into -2 or -3 rib portions. Serve with remaining heated sauce, if desired.

Makes 8 to 10 servings.

How to adjust this recipe for beef ribs?  Here you  go:

A little more work, but worth it all the same!  You want to start by cleaning up your ribs and by removing the membrane from the bone side. Removing the membranes from beef ribs is very important. Beef ribs have a thick and tough membrane that will block out the smoke and the flavors from rubs. Fortunately the membrane is very easy to remove. With a sharp knife, start in one corner and gently lift only the membrane from the bone. Once you have a good start, grab it with a paper towel to get a good grip and pull. It may take a bit of strength but if you are careful and pull evenly and firmly you should be able to lift it off in one piece.  Season and prepare like instructed above...

Beef ribs will take longer than pork.  Ideally, you are better off with a weber charcoal grill here, but you can do with gas...  It may take as long as 6 hours of smoking to turn out tender beef ribs. There is a lot of connective tissue in beef ribs, that's why it's important to smoke them for so long.  Basically, you are using your grill as a smoker!

Put the ribs on the grill. Lay them flat and put the membrane side down. Beef ribs must be cooked at a low temperature  long enough to render the fat and tenderize the meat. Smoke the slab at about 225 degrees and cook them for about 6 - 7 hours they will be nearly fat free and not greasy.  If you choose, kick it up to 250 degrees and go 2 1/2 - 3 hours if in a hurry.  Baste as recommended above and don't forget to grill the corn during the last 15 - 20 minutes!

You could speed up the cooking time, but all good things come to those who wait.

I assume that the owners of the OFFL know how to grill corn.  Yellow corn or white corn, it makes no difference so far as cooking.  White corn tends to be sweeter. There are many ways to do this and for the novice you can surf the net.   Try this simple recipe that Grandmaster Midnight gave me when he was in town last.  Don't get me wrong, there are some great "in the husk recipes" on the net, but try this first.  This one is an original like Grandmaster Midnight himself!

Go to the store, in the spice isle look for Dean Jacob's Dipping Seasons.  Yes, this is the same stuff you dip bread into at the Olive Garden...  Look for Sicilian Blend or Parmesan Blend.  If your store does not have it go to Gourmetmagic.com.  You get a great dipping sauce for bread and something to use with grilled corn!

Take 4 - 6 ears of corn:  Husk the corn and remove the silk.  Submerge the corn in a bowl/pan of water with a tablespoon of sugar for 2 hours.  We want a sweet corn that will not dry out on the grill.  After the corn has soaked, dry the ears off with paper towels.

While the corn is sitting take 1/4 cup of extra virgin olive oil and 1/8 cup of melted butter/margarine and mix together.  Add the dipping spice of your choice, salt, and pepper to taste to this mix.  Pour on a plate and roll the corn well in the mixture.  After this is done wrap each ear of corn in aluminum foil.  When your ribs are 30 minutes out from being finished, cook the corm on the hot grill for 15 to 30 minutes.

There you go, you just became a man!

- Mistress Bianca

Blonde/Blind Lottery

A blonde finds herself in serious financial trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.' 

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins. 

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.' 

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays... 

'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.' Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

Kitty Stutter

Kitty Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human Beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who
stuttered.'  The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and theRottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'  'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back,
went  Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before he could say 'Shit,' the
Rottweiler ate him!

The teacher wet her pants laughing.