The RollingSkull, Issue 2: August 24, 2007
Well the first draft of the OFFL was a success! There were two hiccups, Travis and Torr. With the addition of the Kozar brothers we made it through just fine. We have a lot to cover this week...
Draft Review: Best vs. Worst Preseason Predictions Trash Talk with the Bomb! Pedro the Greek, Week I
As always we start off with the trivia question of the week. In the first issue we asked, "What Dallas Cowboys running back was dubbed "Little Big Man"?" The answer was Tony Dorsett. We will be sending out the condom machine out to Travis since he was unable to make the draft! Now on to the rest of the season.... PACMAN TRIVIA We are a little concerned that we may lose PacMan by week eight if he is re-instated. That's okay as Byron Leftwich could be available to replace him as our trivia manager if needed. This week's winner will receive a fantasy football tool for the football novice, "The Mad Dog Magic Eight Ball." Not sure what round to take a banged up and over-rated Washington receiver? Not a problem for this jewel. Let's say you want to pull the trigger in the 7th on Santanna Moss. Just shake and turn! Just like Mike DeHaven did in the draft. Click on the eight ball to see how it worked! On to week one's trivia question...How many points was a touchdown worth in 1911? a. Six b. Five c. Four d. OneYou need to submit your answers via the Message Board as PacMan logs in regularly. We all love Adam and he has received numerous gifts. Please note, any baked goods will be inspected for tools and drugs. OFFL HOUSEKEEPINGHope you all have had time to check on the new site. Although it was a bitch to put together, we believe it is a step up from Yahoo and ESPN. You are going to earn your title honestly here. Karl spent the week integrating the real time scoring software with the OFFL... Looks fantastic, I owe him a beer or two, and maybe throw in some wings and a waitress! Karl put together a brief tutorial page since the menu could be a little different from what you are use to, click here. Second, we will have an accounting page set up that updates with your transactions. As an added bonus we will have live scoring that can be viewed on your cell phone (take that CBS Sportsline!) Details included in tutorial.. We expect the start up to be a smooth one. I ask one favor of all of you. Make sure we have your roster correct and have your balance correct before we start. Just want to make sure we got all the free agents in, etc. Don't be afraid to get with us if you have a scoring dispute. Even I double check technology from time to time. One final note, the weekly payouts were adjusted to match 11 teams as opposed to the 14 we had planned. They are as follows: $24.00 1st $12.00 2nd $6.00 3rd Playoff awards and the pot are as follows: $35.00 ea First Round (6 teams) $35.00 ea Semi-Finals (4 teams) $35.00 ea Fantasy Super Bowl (2 teams) $119.05 + Free Agent Money Goes to the Super Bowl Champion. As a sidenote, $65 has already been spent on free agency... Let the games begin! -P. L. Purvis OFFL, Co-Commissioner DISCIPLINED OR DISASTER? August 19, 2007 Jacksonville 1st Ever OFFL Draft by ESPN Analyst Skip "I Put the Anal in Analyst" Bayless "And LT goes too..." The first pick and fantasy stat super freak - LT, went to Flying Wedge. With the easy one out of the way, how was the rest of Wedge's draft? After the long wait, with the 22nd pick Wedge takes Tom Brady. Two solid picks, but then the beer kicks in... with the 23rd pick in the draft Wedge takes Clinton Portis? Oh yea, Wedge is a Redskins fan. DOH! Well someone had to be the first homer pick! And if the beer wasn't bad enough, apparently he was hitting the crack pipe in the restroom just before round 6, thus taking Bubba Franks! Double DOH! Well, at least Wedge has LT... Speaking of Homers - We have the Flying Gators! We'll just have to retire the DOH! right here... Fred Taylor in the 4th, Jags Defense in the 6th!? Ben Troupe (13 total receptions in '06) and Rex "Fumble, Fumble, Interception, BENCH!" Grossman? Will the duo of Carson Palmer and TJ "Who's Your Mamma" be enough to overcome the rest of the roster of the Springfield Flying Gators? Only the season will tell... So I hear down in Jacksonville that they say "The Westside is the Best Side!" Well these guys have the best draft out of you bunch of scrubs. Of course it apparently take two people from Westside to actually draft a team? Multitasking just not possible eh? Stephen Jackson should have been everyone's 2nd pick, nice get with the 3rd. Looking good with Steve Smith, Drew Brees and Colston, but Ahman Green and Joey Galloway? See you on the waiver wire replacing these old geezers when they get hurt... I bet the Wild Hogs are breathing easy now that Larry Johnson is back in camp. Of course with all that guaranteed money, I don't see anything like last years 416 carry season. But he's still a stud, especially with the 4th pick. As for the rest of your roster? You must really spend a lot of time at the casinos down in south Florida, because you are definitely a gambler - McNabb, McAllister, Kellan Winslow? Just couldn't bring yourself to take any low risk players, eh? Fantasy Superpower or Butt Nugget - I'd give you 50-50 odds... 10 Inch All-Stars? What kind of repressed, over compensating name is that? Bet you drive a 4-wheel drive with big tires too? Well Frank Gore with the 5th pick is nice as the NFC west remains the weakest conference in the NFL, but you are asking alot to have wide receivers carry your team. I see inconsistency in your future... and what - you get jealous of all those Homer picks? T.O., Romo, and the Cowboys D - If Dallas doesn't do well this season, you will disappointed on many levels. Bullet Boys - nice name, let's hope you aren't a one hit wonder like the band. Let's see, you had the worst pick in the draft... Did you piss off the waitress by drooling on her shoes? Addai with the sixth pick isn't bad and between Jones-Drew and Ronnie Brown, someone should step up and be a decent 2nd back. Hasselback and Delhomme at QB? Your running backs aren't that good, and I don't see a number 1 receiver on your roster. Looks like your team is as middle of the road as your draft position. And the 7th pick goes to - Midnight Riders. Midnight = Late Night, but with you I hear it just equals late. Nice going, showing up to your own leagues draft an hour late. Good thing there was hooters girls and beer, or the rest of the league might have bolted. Rudi Johnson with the 7th pick, Westbrook with the 16th - sucks eating leftovers all the time doesn't it? Of course a decent QB with your next pick would help, but... hey Philip Rivers will be ok (if he can get LT to stop throwing his touchdown passes for him). The rest of your roster simply invokes a yawn. If your sleepers don't wake up, you'll be as middle of the road as the Bullet Boys. I thought I'd seen it all with 10 Inches back there, but Pink Taco Squad? What the hell does that mean? You are a pink taco? Every league has one, you can always can always spot them taking Peyton Manning in the first round. (And then they're actually happy about it too!) Does your husband know who play fantasy football honey? Well, you better tuck in your blouse, because it's going to be a long, cold season for you and your "I make a nice number two" crew. Mad Dog's Revenge? Guess you aren't a Michael Vick fan? You must live in Atlanta. Well, your draft started out well enough - Parker, Harrison, Benson, but all of that Michael Vick mania in Atlanta a few years back must have seeped into you brain as you took his clone in the 4th round. Talk about premature... He'd have been there in the 8th round. But that's okay if you have a decent backup... DOH! Homer strikes again! Jason Campbell? 20 bucks said he wasn't on anyone else's draft sheet. And the 10th pick goes to... The Straddle and Strangle?! What kind of kinky, sexually-repressed super-freak league is this? You should've called this league the Rick James Experience or some freak name like that... Maroney and Bush are both solid number 2 backs, but Kitna in the 4th round was a nice pick up. Looks like you were drafting of an ESPN draft sheet! Nice job, but I see your receiving corp really letting you down this year. Good luck making the playoffs next year... FREAK! And bring up the rear is Mean Machine. The owner of the last pick and apparently a strong stash of weed, because you had to be high to make most of these picks. The Edge? You know he is in Arizona now? Travis Henry? You know he's in the hospital right? And your receiving corp is Moss, Coles, Muhammed and Bruce? Oh you're not high, you are trapped in 2002! Like Groundhog Day! Don't draft angry! or drunk... or high... oops - too late. Well you might as well give the trophy to the Westsiders now. I'd take money on the league average having a winning record against the rest of you chumps. This is Skip Bayless from the second worse city to host a Superbowl (at least I'm not in Detroit) signing off. Catch me morning on ESPN2, suckwads. Pedro the Greek's, "On the INSIDE" Welcome boys and girls! The OFFL stole me away from the JFL to bring to you the best prognostication on the internet. Below are my predictions for Week One. As a special treat, I am going to include my predictions for the season! TRASH TALK WITH THE BOMB! Please note that the opinions of the Bomb are not those of the OFFL. Another day another dollar! I sold myself to the devil per se. Just could not pass on the money Koehler and Purvis were offering. For those unfamiliar with my talents, I am here to stir your imagination while bringing you to a sense of reality with a hint of humility. Judging by last week's draft, some of you need of ton of humility. Given some of the picks there are some arrogant bitches in this league. Let me begin: Flying Gators: When you attended the draft did you bring a cheat sheet? Like many owners, I thought maybe you were drafting off some old Florida Football program! By the way, the league office requests that you quit calling about Emmitt Smith and Steve Spurrier as they are not available for play! Strangle and Straddle: In looking at your roster, I don't believe we have seen that many question marks since Bush's last press conference. You should have been looking at your roster instead of the Penthouse Forum during the draft. Don't fret, I still think you can trade for a real starting quarterback! Westsiders: A solid draft overall. One problem though... You don't have a #2 RB. Green and Barber? Three wide receiver sets are not only looking attractive but your only alternative. It's like someone took you guys to a Golden Corral and let you have the peas and carrots, but no prime rib. Fantasy Football on a vegetarian diet makes for a long season! Pink Taco Squad: Wow, Peyton Manning! What a pick... I know he plays quarterback. Is he going to play WR and RB too? Better keep an eye on the rest of your offense. You can't turn Manning into a utility player. This shit ain't Madden 08! Mean Machine: Formidable team at a glance. A "glance" meaning one eye shut with pink eye in the other! What are you going to do at WR? I may can help. I went on Google earlier, go to www.geritol.com. At least they might be able to walk on the field on Sunday! Midnight Riders: I see you have Johnson and Westbrook as your first two picks. Last I remembered, health insurance only covers family members not your fantasy football roster! Wild Hogs: The Larry Johnson pick was what should have been done. Some owners would not have had the balls and now you have the number two back in the league! What happened with the rest of the draft? You better hope that you can wake the dead... Guys like Chester Taylor and Owen Daniels, please! We were just wondering, "Are you into necrophilia?" 10" AllStars: Outside DeAngelo Williams and Terrel Owens you are going to have to rename your team. We suggest the 10" Backups! Flying Wedge: Dude, I was with ya until Bubba Franks and Brandon Jones. I heard your cousin was pissed you weren't sharing that crazy shit back stage! That said, were you too busy watching "Rock of Love with Brett Michaels" instead of planning for your tight ends? Mad Dog's Revenge: While the Bomb himself is between 0 and 60 years old... You have seen that respect for age has nothing to do with my observations (see Flying Wedge.) You have four possible starting quarterbacks, and I would not touch any of them with the best part of my neighbor's cat's dick! Bullet Boys: Awe... Your very first fantasy draft, oh how cute. Reviewing you picks of Delhomme and Dunn tell me one thing... You must love prostrate exams! BOMB OUT! Disclaimer: The opinions and thoughts of the Bomb are not necessarily those of the OFFL. JUNK DRAWER She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit. Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup. I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't. She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me. I told her that was what the beer was for. I don't think she's coming back...
We are a little concerned that we may lose PacMan by week eight if he is re-instated. That's okay as Byron Leftwich could be available to replace him as our trivia manager if needed. This week's winner will receive a fantasy football tool for the football novice, "The Mad Dog Magic Eight Ball." Not sure what round to take a banged up and over-rated Washington receiver? Not a problem for this jewel. Let's say you want to pull the trigger in the 7th on Santanna Moss. Just shake and turn! Just like Mike DeHaven did in the draft. Click on the eight ball to see how it worked! On to week one's trivia question...
How many points was a touchdown worth in 1911? a. Six b. Five c. Four d. One
You need to submit your answers via the Message Board as PacMan logs in regularly. We all love Adam and he has received numerous gifts. Please note, any baked goods will be inspected for tools and drugs. OFFL HOUSEKEEPING
Hope you all have had time to check on the new site. Although it was a bitch to put together, we believe it is a step up from Yahoo and ESPN. You are going to earn your title honestly here. Karl spent the week integrating the real time scoring software with the OFFL... Looks fantastic, I owe him a beer or two, and maybe throw in some wings and a waitress!
Karl put together a brief tutorial page since the menu could be a little different from what you are use to, click here. Second, we will have an accounting page set up that updates with your transactions. As an added bonus we will have live scoring that can be viewed on your cell phone (take that CBS Sportsline!) Details included in tutorial..
We expect the start up to be a smooth one. I ask one favor of all of you. Make sure we have your roster correct and have your balance correct before we start. Just want to make sure we got all the free agents in, etc. Don't be afraid to get with us if you have a scoring dispute. Even I double check technology from time to time.
One final note, the weekly payouts were adjusted to match 11 teams as opposed to the 14 we had planned. They are as follows:
$24.00 1st $12.00 2nd $6.00 3rd
Playoff awards and the pot are as follows:
$35.00 ea First Round (6 teams) $35.00 ea Semi-Finals (4 teams) $35.00 ea Fantasy Super Bowl (2 teams)
$119.05 + Free Agent Money Goes to the Super Bowl Champion. As a sidenote, $65 has already been spent on free agency... Let the games begin!
-P. L. Purvis OFFL, Co-Commissioner DISCIPLINED OR DISASTER?
"And LT goes too..."
The first pick and fantasy stat super freak - LT, went to Flying Wedge. With the easy one out of the way, how was the rest of Wedge's draft?
After the long wait, with the 22nd pick Wedge takes Tom Brady. Two solid picks, but then the beer kicks in... with the 23rd pick in the draft Wedge takes Clinton Portis? Oh yea, Wedge is a Redskins fan. DOH! Well someone had to be the first homer pick! And if the beer wasn't bad enough, apparently he was hitting the crack pipe in the restroom just before round 6, thus taking Bubba Franks! Double DOH! Well, at least Wedge has LT...
Speaking of Homers - We have the Flying Gators! We'll just have to retire the DOH! right here... Fred Taylor in the 4th, Jags Defense in the 6th!? Ben Troupe (13 total receptions in '06) and Rex "Fumble, Fumble, Interception, BENCH!" Grossman? Will the duo of Carson Palmer and TJ "Who's Your Mamma" be enough to overcome the rest of the roster of the Springfield Flying Gators? Only the season will tell...
So I hear down in Jacksonville that they say "The Westside is the Best Side!" Well these guys have the best draft out of you bunch of scrubs. Of course it apparently take two people from Westside to actually draft a team? Multitasking just not possible eh? Stephen Jackson should have been everyone's 2nd pick, nice get with the 3rd. Looking good with Steve Smith, Drew Brees and Colston, but Ahman Green and Joey Galloway? See you on the waiver wire replacing these old geezers when they get hurt...
I bet the Wild Hogs are breathing easy now that Larry Johnson is back in camp. Of course with all that guaranteed money, I don't see anything like last years 416 carry season. But he's still a stud, especially with the 4th pick. As for the rest of your roster? You must really spend a lot of time at the casinos down in south Florida, because you are definitely a gambler - McNabb, McAllister, Kellan Winslow? Just couldn't bring yourself to take any low risk players, eh? Fantasy Superpower or Butt Nugget - I'd give you 50-50 odds...
10 Inch All-Stars? What kind of repressed, over compensating name is that? Bet you drive a 4-wheel drive with big tires too? Well Frank Gore with the 5th pick is nice as the NFC west remains the weakest conference in the NFL, but you are asking alot to have wide receivers carry your team. I see inconsistency in your future... and what - you get jealous of all those Homer picks? T.O., Romo, and the Cowboys D - If Dallas doesn't do well this season, you will disappointed on many levels.
Bullet Boys - nice name, let's hope you aren't a one hit wonder like the band. Let's see, you had the worst pick in the draft... Did you piss off the waitress by drooling on her shoes? Addai with the sixth pick isn't bad and between Jones-Drew and Ronnie Brown, someone should step up and be a decent 2nd back. Hasselback and Delhomme at QB? Your running backs aren't that good, and I don't see a number 1 receiver on your roster. Looks like your team is as middle of the road as your draft position.
And the 7th pick goes to - Midnight Riders. Midnight = Late Night, but with you I hear it just equals late. Nice going, showing up to your own leagues draft an hour late. Good thing there was hooters girls and beer, or the rest of the league might have bolted. Rudi Johnson with the 7th pick, Westbrook with the 16th - sucks eating leftovers all the time doesn't it? Of course a decent QB with your next pick would help, but... hey Philip Rivers will be ok (if he can get LT to stop throwing his touchdown passes for him). The rest of your roster simply invokes a yawn. If your sleepers don't wake up, you'll be as middle of the road as the Bullet Boys.
I thought I'd seen it all with 10 Inches back there, but Pink Taco Squad? What the hell does that mean? You are a pink taco? Every league has one, you can always can always spot them taking Peyton Manning in the first round. (And then they're actually happy about it too!) Does your husband know who play fantasy football honey? Well, you better tuck in your blouse, because it's going to be a long, cold season for you and your "I make a nice number two" crew.
Mad Dog's Revenge? Guess you aren't a Michael Vick fan? You must live in Atlanta. Well, your draft started out well enough - Parker, Harrison, Benson, but all of that Michael Vick mania in Atlanta a few years back must have seeped into you brain as you took his clone in the 4th round. Talk about premature... He'd have been there in the 8th round. But that's okay if you have a decent backup... DOH! Homer strikes again! Jason Campbell? 20 bucks said he wasn't on anyone else's draft sheet.
And the 10th pick goes to... The Straddle and Strangle?! What kind of kinky, sexually-repressed super-freak league is this? You should've called this league the Rick James Experience or some freak name like that... Maroney and Bush are both solid number 2 backs, but Kitna in the 4th round was a nice pick up. Looks like you were drafting of an ESPN draft sheet! Nice job, but I see your receiving corp really letting you down this year. Good luck making the playoffs next year... FREAK!
And bring up the rear is Mean Machine. The owner of the last pick and apparently a strong stash of weed, because you had to be high to make most of these picks. The Edge? You know he is in Arizona now? Travis Henry? You know he's in the hospital right? And your receiving corp is Moss, Coles, Muhammed and Bruce? Oh you're not high, you are trapped in 2002! Like Groundhog Day! Don't draft angry! or drunk... or high... oops - too late.
Well you might as well give the trophy to the Westsiders now. I'd take money on the league average having a winning record against the rest of you chumps. This is Skip Bayless from the second worse city to host a Superbowl (at least I'm not in Detroit) signing off. Catch me morning on ESPN2, suckwads.
Pedro the Greek's, "On the INSIDE"
Welcome boys and girls! The OFFL stole me away from the JFL to bring to you the best prognostication on the internet. Below are my predictions for Week One. As a special treat, I am going to include my predictions for the season!
TRASH TALK WITH THE BOMB!
Please note that the opinions of the Bomb are not those of the OFFL. Another day another dollar! I sold myself to the devil per se. Just could not pass on the money Koehler and Purvis were offering. For those unfamiliar with my talents, I am here to stir your imagination while bringing you to a sense of reality with a hint of humility. Judging by last week's draft, some of you need of ton of humility. Given some of the picks there are some arrogant bitches in this league. Let me begin:
Flying Gators: When you attended the draft did you bring a cheat sheet? Like many owners, I thought maybe you were drafting off some old Florida Football program! By the way, the league office requests that you quit calling about Emmitt Smith and Steve Spurrier as they are not available for play!
Strangle and Straddle: In looking at your roster, I don't believe we have seen that many question marks since Bush's last press conference. You should have been looking at your roster instead of the Penthouse Forum during the draft. Don't fret, I still think you can trade for a real starting quarterback!
Westsiders: A solid draft overall. One problem though... You don't have a #2 RB. Green and Barber? Three wide receiver sets are not only looking attractive but your only alternative. It's like someone took you guys to a Golden Corral and let you have the peas and carrots, but no prime rib. Fantasy Football on a vegetarian diet makes for a long season!
Pink Taco Squad: Wow, Peyton Manning! What a pick... I know he plays quarterback. Is he going to play WR and RB too? Better keep an eye on the rest of your offense. You can't turn Manning into a utility player. This shit ain't Madden 08!
Mean Machine: Formidable team at a glance. A "glance" meaning one eye shut with pink eye in the other! What are you going to do at WR? I may can help. I went on Google earlier, go to www.geritol.com. At least they might be able to walk on the field on Sunday!
Midnight Riders: I see you have Johnson and Westbrook as your first two picks. Last I remembered, health insurance only covers family members not your fantasy football roster!
Wild Hogs: The Larry Johnson pick was what should have been done. Some owners would not have had the balls and now you have the number two back in the league! What happened with the rest of the draft? You better hope that you can wake the dead... Guys like Chester Taylor and Owen Daniels, please! We were just wondering, "Are you into necrophilia?"
10" AllStars: Outside DeAngelo Williams and Terrel Owens you are going to have to rename your team. We suggest the 10" Backups!
Flying Wedge: Dude, I was with ya until Bubba Franks and Brandon Jones. I heard your cousin was pissed you weren't sharing that crazy shit back stage! That said, were you too busy watching "Rock of Love with Brett Michaels" instead of planning for your tight ends?
Mad Dog's Revenge: While the Bomb himself is between 0 and 60 years old... You have seen that respect for age has nothing to do with my observations (see Flying Wedge.) You have four possible starting quarterbacks, and I would not touch any of them with the best part of my neighbor's cat's dick!
Bullet Boys: Awe... Your very first fantasy draft, oh how cute. Reviewing you picks of Delhomme and Dunn tell me one thing... You must love prostrate exams!
BOMB OUT! Disclaimer: The opinions and thoughts of the Bomb are not necessarily those of the OFFL. JUNK DRAWER
She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to quit.
Then I caught her spending $65 for makeup.
I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.
She said she needed the makeup to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back...
