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THE ROLLINGSKULL, VOLUME 9, ISSUE 125September 11, 2015 | Music by Shinedown, "Enemies" (flash support required) - This Year's Live Draft Was a Success - NY Gangsters Already Claiming Victory - "Dear Mike" A friend's Cry for Help - Four Teams That Suck More Than Mel - Family Nutt Under Investigation for Canabus - Only One Birchard Wants Into the Playoffs (His Team Starts with an "I") - Sophmore Slump Predicted for the Fighting Fish - Kalish the Next Rodger Goodell? - Joanne & Terry: We thank you for the use of your home for the draft! All this and more covering the draft and week one! As aways, we appreciate your patronage. E. A. Presley, Editor and Chief of the Rolling Skull |
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"Who was the first athlete to rap at a Pro Bowl
musical gala?" A. Deion Sanders B. Jim McMahon C. O.J. Simpson D. Andre Risen This week's winners will recieve a complimentary
massage from the $5 Footlong Spa. All trivia answers
should be sent to Aaron c/o Commissioner Purvis.
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This week's checklist:
1. For previous owners, your password from next year will get you in. If you need a password reset, let Pete know. Pete's email, plpurvis@bellsouth.net. 2. Kalish is Pete's back up if for some reason you have to get a hold of the league office before game time (or go on record). Jeff's email, JKalish@shepherdagency.com for backup. Check your email or myfantasy for his cell. 3. Don't forget the season starts Thursday night, 5 days after the draft. Those Thursday players will lock in place by Thursday's game time. 4. To enjoy the web page music, you will need Adobe Flash support. The FireFox browser now longer supports Flash. For cell phone, they do offer the FlashFox browser now for anDroid. 5. For cell phones, here is the wireless live scoring link, http://football25.myfantasyleague.com/2015/options?L=28510&O=159. 6. FX's "The League" begins Wedneday night, http://www.fxnetworks.com/shows/the-league/episodes. Appearances by Beast Mode & Honey Badger. 7. This week's NFL Schedule and Locations:
P. L. Purvis
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The 2015 Draft In Review 1. Midnight Riders: Best overall draft. This did not happen by his own reasoning. The league gave Pete a lot of help by allowing Jamaal Charles, Juilio Jones, and Tannehill to fall to him much lower than they should have been drafted. The OFFL is currenlty investigating. 2. $5 Footlongs: Mathew you freaking sand bagger! "Oh foregive me I am new, oh I will try to do my best.... lalalalala..." I am not sure if you are this good or were the other 13 teams smoking pot from the farm of "Nutts for Canabus." Lynch, Brown, Alshon and Eli all roll to you- Apparently they were not serving coffee beyond the 2nd round of the draft. You did pick Chris Ivory though... Don't forget to include him in your prayers. 3. The Rage: First off, you swooped in and took "Groin Pull" Andre Johnson 28 picks later than ranked. Add in Matt Ryan with the Charles Johnson sleeper pick... You may be in the running for a second championship. Unfortunately, McCoy, Hill, and Mathews as your RB's are about as sexy as a you and Karl demonstrating a warm milk enema on Youtube. 4. Interceptors: The pickup of Bell, Brees and Cobb gave you the #4 rank. But from round 7 on.. WTF? The Rams D go at 7.03? You probably could have taken Bennett at that time. You treated your #5 pick like a fifty year old trying to get with a 20 year old Farah Fawcett... It went poof! 5. Blunt Force: More than likely you ended up in the top 5 by accident. Beckham going at 18 goes back to the other 13 teams smoking pot from "Nutts for Canabus." With DeMarco wand Romo as support, you will have a strong run. The early TE Gates pickup may cost with Ebron having to fill in. Eric Ebron as a starting TE is like having a condom made out of bubble wrap... You are going to feel and hear a few pops going into weeks one and two. It will not be pleasant. 6. Fighting Fish: 2014's Rookie of the Year (by default) showed why he is still in the game... Picking Rivers 2 rounds later than predicted and going for Gronk in round 1 showed balls. But as we all know- going Gronk, Rodgers, or Luck will cost you in the 3rd. You were no exception with Melvin Gordon in the 3rd. Wallace, MIN and Newton, CAR just added more gas to the fire. The good new is that the "Got Milk" campaign is being replaced by "Got Running Back" and you will be the lead spokes person. That said, you are the final team predicted to make the playoffs.  7. MYLF will take lead on the downward spiral... The first lady of fantasy football leads off with the first pick in the draft. She did not have her best pick until the 3rd round with T.Y. This is like watching the Star Wars saga with your kid for the first time and telling he or she that Jar Jar Binks is the main character. When she starts Dwayne Allen, IND at TE, the battle cry for MYLF will be "meesa gonna die." (if you got that joke, you are Star Wars geek, don't deny it). 8. Cunning Linguists: Jeff's new role as OFFL VP must have caused him to crack. Jarvis Landry as his #2 WR could mean Jeff was smoking crack. AP dropping to Jeff at #4 was ridiculously in his favor. The advantage was cancelled out with the pick of Seferian- Jenkins a 100 picks early. Good luck starting Freeman at RB. That should go over like the Ford Edsel. 9. Tuna Wranglers: Rick suprised everyone with Andew Luck as his number 1. Like the Fighting Fish, he sacrificed rounds 3 & 4 as a result. Gurley, RB, STL and Hopkins, WR, HOU become starters. Did I mention DeVante Parker, WR being taken 2 rounds early in the 9th? I have a sneaky suspicion that Rick has been supplying Blount and Bell with their herb. Rick is currently under investigation for violiating the OFFL substance policy. 10. Diaper Genies were tied with Mad Dog for the worst draft- "At the time of the draft." Now looking back, Mel did not have the worst draft. (Imagine how the next four teams below are going to feel.) As the league knows, Mel was juggling a family bbq and a draft at the same time-- He ended up losing 2 rounds... Yet he is ranked 10, not 14. Allowing Dez Bryant to go at #13 was completely assanine on the part of the league. SHAME ON EVERYONE! Players were falling to Mel... If he had not blown rounds 9 & 10 and grabbed a "D" too early in the 7th- This could have been an instant playoff team. This is not a bad foundation. Unfortunately, the Genies need to double check the foundation for cracks in the cement, aka Cruz and LaFell.  11.
Flying Gators: Yep, I just stated that the Genies are
above you... Jimmy Graham 1 round early- Maclin 2 rounds
early - Edelman 2 rounds early - Houston defense one round
early... All these picks too early! We called your
wife to ask what else do you perform too soon? She was not
available for comment. Poof!12. Fanatics: While I would never accuse Mark of picking premature-- After this week, I would say that he wets the bed. Forte is taken in round 1 followed by Russell Wilson with pick #2. Keenan Allen as your #1 WR? Cameron Jordan starting at TE? Adding insult to injury, Cutler taken 3 rounds early? In shock, the entire league was silent. With such silence, if Mark walks outside- the crickets are not even chirping! The damn crickets are silent while trying to figure out what the hell he was doing... Listen if you would, no chirp... 13. Mad Dog's Revenge: I do not normally do this, but I am going to turn the review of DeHaven's team over to Midnight Rider Owner, Pete Purvis. He contacted my office today and pleaded that we give Mad Dog (aka Big Mike) a break. Pete wanted to reach out to Mike. I agreed as long as Pete kept it honest. Mike: We have been friends for over 15 years. Like I told you back in St. Augustine in 2002, "We are brothers from another mother." It hurts me to confront you like this in a public forum, but I thought it best.. What the F*%^ were you thinking,drinking, and reviewing? The last time I saw a draft like this was when Jimmy was a rookie in the JFL back in 1998 (Kalish will back me up on that). Kernard Backman was so upset about being your #2 TE that he tried to jump in front of a car. Luckily, he sucks so bad that the car went between his legs just like the football does. What the hell are you supposed to do with a timeshare running back and two pass catchers that can’t catch colds? Your flex position looks like the gaping hole from a Kardashian continuum in outer space. You were there for me during my free agent addictition from 2007 thru 2014. I am here for you now even though you chose Larry Fitzgerald four rounds before you should have. Please call me. It is okay that you chose Kelvin Benjamin in the 10th while he is out for the season. Tre Mason, RB, STL, four rounds early in the fifth round is okay too. We will get through this with the support of Sam Bradford and Calvin Johnson... "You have our support. We are all worried about you." If we need to, I might be able to retain Karl as counsel for you.. Your Friend Forever (Even though your draft still looks like SH@#), Pete 14. NY Gangsters: Since Jimmy was so kind to leave the league office with the message that he had the best draft- I want to break down 2 more categories. Here is where Jimmy is ranked at: 13th "overall," 10th "players starting," 13th "bench depth." Amari Cooper was his best pick in the 5th, that says it all. He also joins the Wranglers (Luck) and Fish (Gronk) went it comes to paying the piper in rounds 3 and 4. Aaron Rodgers as his #1 pick came back to bite him in the ass. Jimmy then decides that he needs more gas for the fire and he goes with a KICKER in the seventh and a DEFENSE in the 9th. He needs to change the team name to the NY Arsonist! Never in my history of FF reviews have I seen one owner burn a team down to the ground like this one. My staff believes that Al Davis has possessed Jimmy's body. -Bomb Out |
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Here we go with Week One in the OFFL! Pedro's picks this week are brought to you by Pauley Perrete of CBS's "NCIS." (She is also the 13th highest paid tv actress at $6M)
SPOKESMODEL
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Literally Balling Turns
Backboards Into Stained Glass Masterpieces The latest artist to be inspired by basketball,
Victor Solomon, reinterprets the glass backboard with stained glass
artistry, using his brand—aptly titled Literally Balling—to add a layer
of luxury to one of the game's most important icons. Solomon told
Complex.com, "The project started as just an evocative image stuck in my
mind: the iconic basketball backboard elevated—as it's own culture has
been—to a class and luxury status that stained glass has historically
been reserved for." If you are interested if one for the house, go
to Little Johnny, "A Lesson in Government"
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so
for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their
parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he
went up to his dad and ask his what the government was. His dad thought
for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I'm the president, your
mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and
your baby brother is the future." "I still don't get it" responded the
Little Johnny. "Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand
it better," said the dad. "Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny
went off to bed. In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened
by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and
found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little
Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his
parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents
were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis
dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through
the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little
Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks
aloud, "OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing
the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people,
andthe future is full of shit!" Grilling with Mistress Bianca Southwestern Turkey-Cheddar Burgers with Grilled
Onions Wheat germ adds a nuttiness that complements the
turkey and spices.
For more spicy heat, use Monterey Jack cheese with
jalapeño peppers. •Yield: 6 servings (serving size: 1 burger)
Ingredients 3/4 cup finely chopped Maui or other sweet onion 1/3 cup wheat germ 1 1/2 teaspoons ancho chile powder 3/4 teaspoon ground cumin 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 teaspoon ground red pepper 1 1/2 pounds ground turkey breast Cooking spray 4 ounces extrasharp cheddar cheese, thinly sliced 6 (1/2-inch-thick) slices Maui or other sweet onion 6 (2-ounce) Kaiser rolls, split 6 tablespoons Chipotle-Poblano Ketchup Preparation Prepare grill. Combine first 7 ingredients in a large bowl. Divide
mixture into 6 equal portions, shaping each into a 1/2-inch-thick patty.
Place patties on a grill rack coated with cooking
spray; grill 5 minutes. Turn patties over; grill 2 minutes. Divide
cheese evenly over patties; grill an additional 5 minutes or until a
thermometer registers 165°. Remove from grill; let stand 5 minutes. Place onion slices on grill rack coated with
cooking spray; grill 4 minutes on each side or until browned and tender. Place rolls, cut sides down, on grill rack; grill 1
minute or until toasted. Place 1 patty on bottom half of each roll; top
each serving with 1 onion slice, 1 tablespoon Chipotle-Poblano Ketchup,
and top half of roll.
Per the Commissioner, we have archived all of the past year's football recipes from Mistress Bianca. Just click right here!
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Aaron
is really excited about this year's OFFL Trivia Contest.
